Moving.....

This blog has moved...please update your bookmarks. Effective January 1, 2010, this blog will be deleted.

New Blog location:
http://theridingofwildhorses.blogspot.com

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

St. Simons Island

Over the past couple of days, we have been visiting St. Simons Island.  This was a first for the both of us, and I believe we both fell in love! What a great town! AND we found out we can bring the dogs to the beach there so I predict a future "day long" beach trip! Although Matt didn't really get to relax (he was working with a coworker) I spent my days laying on the beach reading, taking random photos, and in true Holly fashion...text messaging. :) His coworker got us a free night stay in a swanky little inn.  It was more like a large scale bed and breakfast.  It was called The Village Inn and Pub.  So cute! Definite recommendation if you go to the island to stay for a few days! Below are some photos that I took while there. 

St. Simons Island

Running

Found this devotional post from www.OurDailyJourney.com and thought I would share...

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I have a confession to make. I hate to run.

Some people enjoy jogging to stay in shape. Others put themselves through rigorous months of training to run long-distance races. While I admire their discipline, it’s definitely not for me.

A friend who is an amateur marathoner told me that during the last 6 miles of a race everything below his waist begins to shut down. His legs cry out to his brain, “Why are you doing this to me?” In those moments, it makes no sense whatsoever for him to keep going—but somehow he perseveres.

The Old Testament prophet Elijah found himself running—not to train or for exercise, but for his very life! After his dramatic showdown on Mount Carmel with the prophets of Baal, the wicked Queen Jezebel put a bounty on his head (1 Kings 19:1-3). He eventually fled to the desert, collapsed under a tree, and wanted to give up (vv.4-5).

“Why bother?” can be the cry of the heart when the going gets tough. Like a jogger running the last few miles of a grueling marathon, Christians can become so overwhelmed or demoralized by circumstances that it can appear as if there is no point in trying to fix a problem or achieve a dream.

Satan, our archenemy, wants us to quit when we have to deal with difficult circumstances. He wants us to agree with the lie that it’s pointless to keep going. But if we keep our focus on Jesus and all He truly is, we won’t be deceived. We won’t be taken down by the lies of the enemy, and we won’t give up. Because of Him, we can persevere and find the strength to finish whatever race is marked out for us (Hebrews 12:1-2).

Our House

We moved into our humble abode in October of 2006.  The outside of the home was much to be desired, but knew it had potential...one day.  We slowly changed the blue shutters and doors to white and then finally this year, we had it painted and we did landscaping around the house.  I am sure the neighborhood was grateful for the landscaping since the past three years it has been nothing but weeds growing out of control.  

Take a look!

All That I Can Give

Dear Heavenly Father-

I'm not sure if throughout my life I have always given all that I can give to you. I know you deserve more of my heart and my thoughts and my time, but know that it is something I pray for every day. I want to be closer to you and more like your beautiful son, Jesus. I do have to say though, my spirit is weak at this moment. I am tired and struggling. I look at life around me and most days I don't understand the path that I am walking down. It is a difficult path though. Finances are strained, job searching is difficult, and traditional baby making has proved to be anything but traditional--and unsuccessful. Bring me closer to you, bring peace to my heart, bring me closer to my husband, and bring me all the desires that you have placed in my heart. I realize these desires are in your time and not mine--for you ultimately know what is best. I know you have said to your followers that though times may be difficult, you would never let us walk alone. I can handle the rain, as long as you're by my side. I need you by my side--as I said, my spirit is weak. In your wonderful Son's name I pray to you....

Forever and Faithfully Yours

Something Old, Something New

Yesterday, Matt and I had a wonderful day filled with new beginnings. We started our day, as we usually do on Sundays by attending Crosspointe Church, our new home to worship. Afterwards, we attended our first Life Group session. Life Groups are Crosspointe's version of Sunday School. We don't have Sunday School at church and instead meet at people's houses during the week at a predetermined date and time. This is a genuine once a week time for fellowship and bible study. It was very nice and welcoming to get to know some new people who are going through some of the same struggles we are. Our lesson for yesterday involved putting on "new clothes" for Christ. It was definitely an eye opener to see what things that I should be working on as a child of God, a wife, and my place in this world. I definitely need to start replacing old attitudes and habits with the new ones which the Bible says I should be putting on.

We're also still praying and holding our breath in regards to our latest fertility cycle. The big day is Wednesday.

New Worries

As of Wednesday, I have been quite worried as to whether or not this last attempt worked for us or not. I've been experiencing heavy bleeding and consulted with the doctor's office regarding this. They informed me that this can be normal and to continue with checking a pregnancy test at the end of the month. So please pray that things work out the way God intends for them too; however, I am definitely sure that Matt and I will be heavily disappointed if this does not work. It has been a long struggle for us and we just pray for success. May God (and peace) be with us.

Insemination D-Day

We got up this morning and took our usual route to Jacksonville for our insemination. Once we arrived, we went through the usual routine, drawing blood, checking blood pressure, checking temperature. We were then led to our too familiar room of purple decor (said to be OB/GYN/RE colors). Dr. Winslow entered and without much conversation began the ultrasound. While laying back on the table, he hasn't turned the screen this morning so that I can actually watch and see what he's seeing. What I do remember is him saying, "Kim (the most wonderful nurse there!) we have an 18, 20, 12, 14, 12, 13...." and I remember looking at Matt and almost being in shock. He then moved to the left side and counted what was there... "17, 12, 14, 11"....I was stunned. There were 10 follicles and 3 of them large enough for an ideal successful insemination. What a joyous day and we definitely praise God for giving us more than the usual 1 follicle to work with. Nurse Kim gave me a shot of Lupron to "release the follicles" and prepare them for insemination and then about an hour later, I was inseminated and we went on our way.

After we inseminated on our first cycle (many months ago) we went to PF Changs to celebrate. And this was the cycle where we had gotten pregnant, but miscarried about 11 weeks in.

The second cycle, we didn't celebrate at all...and it didn't work at all.

So this time...our 3rd time, we celebrated once again at PF Changs, in hopes that positive thoughts bring positive change. We pray this cycle is successful. It will be our last attempt.

Practicing Patience

Saturday we went to another appointment at FIRM in Jacksonville, FL. We saw Dr. Freeman--this was our first time doing so. He gave us positive hope with the several follicles that were growing. We were so excited to hear that there are more than the one single follicle growing and thriving. But on the other hand, we are a little nervous and apprehensive....especially if more than one follicle (egg) is fertilized. We left on a positive note and scheduled our next appointment for Monday morning.

Sunday we had a wonderful service at Crosspointe. We are absolutely loving our new found home and are still anticipating delving deeper into getting involved.

Today we went back to Jacksonville and saw our regular Dr. Winslow. After the ultrasound, it was confirmed that we have 4 very strong follicles growing, but they weren't quite ready yet for insemination. We also have several smaller ones growing. Dr. Winslow discussed with us the possibility of IVF, but since our insurance is being so great about paying for 95% of everything, we opted out. IVF would have definitely been great though, if we could afford it. Dr. Winslow left us on a positive note and we go back on Wednesday for insemination. I pray that 3rd time is a charm for us....especially since this cycle has taken a little longer than our first injectables cycle. But in the words of a great and wise friend...maybe the slow going means they are growing strong and will be better fitted for fertilization.

Patience is a virtue...not one of my best, but maybe it will definitely pay off this time around.

Holding My Breath for Success

This week my mom and I are in Pompano Beach, Florida. While down here though, I had to make a trip up to Jacksonville for an ultrasound to check on our fertility process. As of Tuesday, three follicles have seperated from the rest and have began growing. This is good, and pray that these three keep growing and getting stronger. At the appointment they were all three at 9 cm...they need to grow to between 17-22 cm for insemination. My injection dosage was upped and we go back Saturday for another check up.

On a side note...at one of my previous appointments, my blood was drawn to test my thyroid gland. Results came in on Tuesday at my appointment. Things were normal...for now...however, I am at very high risk of developing hypothyroidism and have been strictly informed that my thyroid must be checked every 6 months now...if I become pregnant...it has to be checked every 5 weeks.

Maybe 2009 is Our Year??

I found this blog on a website that I follow regularly. The website is http://www.startyourfamily.com/. Below is the blog posting.

Could 2009 be the Year to Start a Family?

Compared to getting in shape, getting out of debt or other similar resolutions, one of the biggest goals a married couple can set in a new year is starting their family. Even though current financial challenges and uncertainties might make this seem like a bad time for such a goal, there are still surprising reasons for couples to make this the year to get started.

Babies are wealth

Babies require a great investment from parents—the expense of their care as well as the opportunity costs resulting from lost income can be daunting even for marriages in a strong financial position. Those costs can seem more overwhelming for couples struggling through an economic downturn. Starting a family requires couples to show good economic stewardship, but having a baby need not be out of reach even in tight times. Unlike so many of the depreciating assets people take on, babies are a source of wealth—delivering returns on investment that are beyond measure.

One of the most challenging times to have children in the United States was during the Great Depression between 1929 and 1939. With investments wiped out and jobs scarce, many couples worried they couldn’t take on the expense of babies. But other couples braved it out and found their children to be assets. Among the millions of children born during those challenging days were: the first female Supreme Court Justice (Sandra Day O’Connor), a pioneering black comedian (Bill Cosby), a homerun hero (Hank Aaron), the first man to walk on the moon (Neil Armstrong), the king of Rock n’ Roll (Elvis Presley), the first black Secretary of State (Colin Powell), a Christian psychologist who has reached millions around the world (Dr. James Dobson), and many other people of influence.

Couples who take on the costs of having a baby are often surprised to discover ways to creatively re-prioritize their money to make room for something so priceless. Friends and family members are often willing to help them stretch their resources. New parents also may find that many of the estimated costs for raising children can be lowered by living simply and not trying to follow all the expensive trends in baby chic.

Babies add meaning and goodness

One of the welcome side effects of the recent economic crunch is that people have been forced to look beyond their wallets in order to experience the truly good things in life. After getting the message for so long that babies stand in the way of exotic vacations and a catalog house filled with cool gadgets, many couples are finding that it’s those (often disappointing) pursuits that stand in the way of experiencing the joys of children. While the Biblical passages saying that children are a blessing might seem at odds with the headaches our culture insists children bring, new life continues to offer the wonder and goodness that eludes us.

Babies shape our souls

Babies require great care—especially as they emerge into toddlers, kids and then teenagers. The parenting enterprise is not for the faint of heart. It is grueling at many levels. This can be intimidating for many couples who don’t feel very mature yet. But it’s in committing to the needs of a new life that couples are stretched into greater maturity. Children shape our souls like few other things in life, conditioning us to be more other-centered and to take a longer view of life. The demands of children that frighten so many would-be parents provide the crucible that is most likely to bring out the person God designed them to be.

Babies are a continuous source of hope

Many couples reading today’s headlines are convinced that this world is too crazy to bring children into it. And you can’t blame them. Trying to raise a child in our current culture can feel like trying to raise a flower in the crack of a New York City sidewalk. But while fear and anxiety are a natural emotion for would-be parents, the choice to be fruitful is an enduring and courageous encounter with hope. In his book The Mystery of Children, Mike Mason describes babies as “renewers, groundbreakers and world-shakers, bearers of new seed, heralds of a new age.” Instead of letting the problems around us frighten us from having children, we should recognize God’s pattern of using new life to fix those problems, to bring renewal and fresh hope.

The timing of babies matters

Extended life spans and fertility technology give couples the sense they can put off starting a family. Surveys, however, reveal a growing gap between desire and reality when it comes to having children. While only 2 percent of couples say they don’t want children, 20% of couples end up childless. And while 3 percent of couples say one child would be enough for them, 16% find themselves limited to one. Even though couples marry later today and need more time to finish their education and kick off their careers, their window of natural fertility remains fixed. Women today are often surprised to find that their fertility begins its decline when they’re in their late twenties, accelerates its drop when they’re in their mid -thirties and plummets when they’re in their forties. A couple’s age also affects their ability to keep up with children. While couples that wait later to get started might have more money in their bank account, they’re more likely to find themselves exhausted by parenting much quicker than younger parents are. This is also true for grandparents. Children need grandparents who can get down on the floor to play with them … and still be able to get back up.

Babies can be good for marriage, really

Marriage therapists today often seek to correct the myth that having a baby will make a couple happier. They point out correctly that babies add tremendous new stress to a marriage and aren’t a good prescription for turning a bad marriage into a good one. What couples don’t hear enough, however, is that letting their love spill over into a new life can give them a fresh sense of purpose within their marriage. Parenting will require couples to adjust expectations about their sex life, their sleep patterns and their ability to take off on last minute dates, but the parenting mission can mature and sweeten a marriage over the years when a couple commits to do it “as unto the Lord.”

You can trust the giver of life

Looking at your personal circumstances, you might see challenges that would make the next year a tough time to start a family. Psalm 139 reminds us, however, that God ordains the days for each person before any of them come to be. If God has ordained this year as the time for a new baby to be born in your family, you can believe that He is also able to “meet all your needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19). Whatever your circumstances, you can trust the creator of life to help you start a family.

Maybe 2009 will be your year.

Come All Prayers

So yesterday, after our wonderful church experience...Matt and I went to a local chinese restuarant and had lunch. After lunch was over and they brought out the fortune cookies, one of the fortunes said..."Focus on the color purple this week for good luck." Though I don't believe in fortunes, I do believe in coincidences and found it oddly unique that we obtained this fortune and we were also starting our third round of fertility treatments this week. Reproductive Endocrinologists (and OB/GYN) colors are purples and yellows. So this gave us hope. :)

Well this morning, after only 3 hours of sleep, I got up out of my wonderfully comfortable bed and began getting ready for my drive to Jacksonville. My appointment was at 7:15 am and I would have to leave by 4-4:30am to get there in time. And this time was uniquely different because I was going alone. Matt has been by my side and gone to every doctor's appointment, but he had prior engagements today that he just could not get out of or postpone until later in the afternoon.

I was also seeing a different doctor today. Through our process we have seen Dr. Kevin Winslow and on a few occasions, Dr. Daniel Duffy, and today was one of those rare occasions. Dr. Duffy came in and did the initial ultrasound which checks to make sure there are no cysts on my ovaries (which is what I am prone to) and to make sure the uterine lining is good. Well in the words of Dr. Duffy, I am "ripe and ready to go." I expressed to him that we were going to have to be a little more aggressive in treatment this time because this was the third round and no offense to F.I.R.M (the doctor's office name) but the drive to Jacksonville was getting rather tiring. In response, Dr. Duffy stated that he understood and we would start out aggressive, but that he has another current patient who responded well to treatment and is currently pregnant with quadruplets. I laughed and informed him that in no way did Matt and I wish to be "Octomom and Octodad" but that we would be happy with whatever God blessed us with in hopes that He would not give us more than we could manage, both emotionally and financially.

He sent me on my way after some bloodwork and tonight, I begin my injections...again. All prayers are accepted!

Get Your Facts Straight

Recently, I have heard that Matt and I have decided to go through fertility treatments, basically because we want a baby now and don't to wait for nature to take it's course. So I want to clarify a few basic facts to help you be better informed about our situation.

First, Matt and I decided to do fertility treatments after I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (or PCOS for short). You can check out more on PCOS here: http://women.webmd.com/tc/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos-topic-overview. A well known couple with PCOS (for example) would be Jon & Kate Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8. Now by NO means are we trying to have multiple children, we just want a happy healthy baby.

Secondly, because I have PCOS and Matt has some male infertility, then the combination of us "doing it the natural way" could possibly take many, many years, if it ever worked at all.

So...the way Matt and I look at the situation is: God blessed Matt with a great job that has provided us with excellent benefits to cover all of our infertility treatments. So this enables us to do an unnatural process to obtain a great blessing. Besides...who are you to judge? Just because we can't make a baby the "old-fashioned way" doesn't mean that the way we are doing things isn't the way that God intended them to be. God has always made it clear that he would never give us more than we can handle, so maybe this is God's way of saying, "I know you both are strong enough to go through all of these treatments and for that, I have provided you with a way and a path to seek the baby you both want."

A New "Home"?

So today, Matt and I tried out a new church--CrossPointe Church. It's located in an old supermarket, which yes is very unique, but it's not about where you worship...it's about that you worship. It was a very exciting and awesome experience for the both of us. The atmosphere was very casual and laid back and it was very clear that God was truly at work in this building and these people's lives. I think we fell in love with a potential new home.

Third Time A Charm?

Well, the two week waiting game is over. Our 2 weeks was up on March 27th. I received no positive and still hadn't gotten my next cycle, so I called the doctor's office to find out my next step. Well no sooner had I hung up the phone and my miracle happened and my body actually started my next cycle on it's own. What a blessing this was considering I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and very rarely do I "start" on my own. So even though it was after hours, but I called the doctor's office back and thankfully got a hold of a nurse and have an appointment for Monday, March 30th at 7:15am. So we decided, since we have medication left from our last cycle, we'll go for one more round. Maybe the third time is a charm?

Maybe Baby?

As of March 2, 2009 we began our second cycle of fertility treatment. This cycle is more of an aggressive treatment for us as we are using Menopur this time instead of Clomid. For those that don't know, Menopur is an injectable drug which is more natural in stimulating the follicles and Clomid (as Dr. Winslow describes it...) is more of a brain medication, which stimulates the brain signals, instead of the body. We have made several trips to Jacksonville the past couple of weeks checking on hormone levels and checking the size of follicles.

After a few days of injections we started out with approximately 7-9 follicles. I went home and visited my mom for a weekend and when I got back we had another appointment to check the size of the follicles. One of them had shot way up to 12 cm, while the others were 6-8 cm region.

Our last "inspection" appointment was on Friday the 13th. All of the follicles had dispursed except for one...the one that was 12 at the start. Follicles have to be between 17-22 cm before insemination can occur. At first glance, the follicle was only 17 but when he moved the wand to a different angle, the follicle was 19 so they gave me my HcG shot, inseminated, and sent us on our way.

Now...the 2 week waiting game. On the 27th we will find out if it took or not...and if so...then stick poppy seed stick!

A New Year Brings New Hope

I promise I am going to get better at updating this thing.  The past couple of months have been very busy.  When we went to the doctor in Jacksonville on December 30th, we found out that our baby's heart had stopped beating...about a week and half later everything passed, and I fortunately didn't have to have surgery to remove everything.  This is just a setback for us, which has given us more time to prepare and stock up and buy items that we need and want.  But we're back at it again awaiting the next cycle so that we can start our next treatment cycle.  THIS TIME...however, we are going to be using injectables, which is a more aggressive treatment.  Pray for success that lasts!!

 

Our newest little one (Daisy) is growing up fast.  Look through her photo album to see some updated photos of her. 

 

Matt is now in the Valdosta territory (moved from the Albany territory).  He seems excited about moving into a bigger area and I think he will start enjoying it more after he gets done cleaning up the previous territory manager's mess.

 

Well I think that is about all for now...nothing much exciting going on right now.

Baby Ellington

And the journey begins....

First Prenatal Appointment

Our first prenatal appointment has been scheduled and we will get to hear the heartbeat and see our little peanut on December 3.  Please keep us in thoughts and prayers.